I Can Make Mistakes, and I'm Not Considered Retarded!

So, naturally, with any new job, where you are pretty much training yourself, with help from others here and there, you're going to make some screw ups. Now, at CB&L, had I done that, I would have been humiliated in front of God, Satan, the Peanut Gallery and anyone else on stand-by.

At my new job, everyone is like, "Well, how could you have known, it's no big deal. Just send/make a quick [insert whatever you want, i.e. note, email, phone call] on Monday, no biggie. "Say Whaaaaaaaat?"

Today I even got to use my artistic skills (and therefore my undergrad degree) in assembling some journal cover/frames. You know, color coordinating the mat to the complimentary colors in the journal. I use my flight attendant skills to make people feel comfortable and laugh. I use my paralegal skills to trouble-shoot, and my art skills to frame stuff. I'm officially well-rounded!

I will be sorry to see the Interim Chair go. At first, I was a bit leery about him, couldn't gage his personality, but he's turned out to be pretty much cool. And smart. No wonder he wants to get back to his research (which, by the way, is stuff way over my head, but I understand it on a fundamental level).

How it Should Work

Funny story that happened yesterday. Okay, well, besides the armed dude running amok at our downtown campus in one of the law buildings (someone should have said to him, "Look, kid. You want to shoot somebody? Go down to CB&L...easy pickin's at that place), it was a fairly calm day.

Somebody complained that the wine we served at the holiday party was awful, so, since we had five bottles left, we decided to grab some grad students and hold an impromptu wine tasting. My theory was that since it was red, it probably required decanting. Anyway, that wasn't the case, it got worse as time progressed.

Anyway, earlier in the day, the IC asked me to send out a broadcast to all of our department regarding the lunatic on our downtown campus. Now, the university has its own "emergency" email plan, but my IC was being extra cautious, and I appreciate that. So, I sent it out over our five listservs.

This morning, I get an email from this professor chastising me for sending it on all the listservs because he got two emails (and the ones from the campus security email listserv, oh the horror!). I apologized, and forwarded it to my boss who wrote back to me, "Don't listen to him." Rock on!

I'm getting to know the office folks, and they are 180 degrees different from the Frick and Frack experience. Two of my office mates toss a nerf football around to release stress, we have wine tastings to make sure it's fit to serve, and we joke constantly. I swear, I'm in the Garden of Eden, coming from Dante's 7th ring of hell!

Unemployment Benefits, My Fight.

Yeah. Short story version. It's all about "good cause". I left because my supervising attorney was abusive and enjoyed humiliating me on an escalating basis. He began to blame me for his screw ups. The paralegal who quit abruptly prior to me, experienced the EXACT same thing (we talked for 2 hours on the phone one evening.). She received UEB, but I did not. Uneven application of the statute, if you ask me. However, it was ruled that I should have gone to one of the other partners. The thing is, all of the other attorneys in the office knew he was abusive. They could have stopped it at anytime, but they didn't.

Anyhoo. She received UE benefits, I did not. I fought to the appeal level. I lost, but I don't care. I requested my employee file. His ding-dong paralegal included his work product, so I got to see how he planned to defend himself.

I figured I would lose, but at least he had to spend some of his precious time dealing with the appeal.

I give the next paralegal about another 7 months. And memo to her: if Mr. Loser starts abusing you, tell the "big guy" about it. Then, document the incidents. If nothing changes, then you've exhausted your avenues to bring about an end to the abuse.

Or, just start being a slacker on the job. Then, they will terminate you because the job wasn't "suitable" for you, and you'll be able to collect UEB!

Last night, I burned everything. It sure felt good.

The First Week of a New Life

Well, this past week was my first week as a non-paralegal. And let me just say this: you do not have to stay within the legal arena with the skill set you have acquired during your tortuous years as a paralegal.

I'm now in, what I like to call, "Academia Land". Oh, sure, the professors can be a little like obnoxious attorneys; but I assure you, they are NO WHERE near that level. I am the department assistant in a Chemistry Department at a university that is among the top ten in the country. And you know what? The staff actually SMILES for no reason whatsoever. Not because their attorney just crashed and burned on a trial that he underestimated, or because the attorney was just humiliated in front of judge who HATES PI attorneys, but because they are happy, have excellent benefits, are encouraged to grow professionally, and there is a policy in place that proscribes behavior that is considered "harassment." This is going to sound cheesy, but I almost come to tears when I think about my good fortune.

I'm already assisting my Department Chair and the Director of Academic Operations; two people who, besides being highly intelligent, are just "cool." That's right. I said, "Cool." Can you really say that about your attorney? Probably not.

Trust me, those paralegal skills transfer to better places. Take the opportunity to do it NOW, rather than later!

Peace and blessin's!

Leaving the Legal Profession

Short, sweet and snappy: Best thing I ever did. Let me tell you this much; litigation attorneys (especially plaintiff personal injury attorneys) are, as Beck recorded "Soul Sucking Jerks." End of story.

And if you are a litigation attorney reading this; get over yourself. The law students who make honors, are now professors. Those who make secondary honors, are judges. Those of you who are the C student lackeys are either working in some miserable firm, or you're unscrupulous and lie to tribunals and in the face of disciplinary committees. And if you don't do either of those, I can guarantee you've thrown a fellow employee under the bus to further your careers.

And to the paralegals out there dealing with these unethical bastards. Document, document, document. Then turn them over to the appropriate committee. Quit worrying about your precious bonuses. Karma will ALWAYS take that bonus away from you for your complicit behavior.

Though I still love the law, I detest the losers who violate its intent to protect their lying, cheating, maniacal ways! And quit telling me you're standing up for the little guy...you're in it for the money, period. The turds in my catbox have a higher standard than you.

The Witches of Dearborn (The Story of Frick and Frack)

Admittedly, office politics are an enigma to me.

Another great mystery is why the correct number of female office personnel is crucial to a harmonious balance. And let me tell you; the number three might be great in terms of the Holy Trinity, but it's awful when it comes to tranquility in the workplace. Is it the triangulation of our menses that throws it all out of whack? Is it one female's insecurity that feeds off another female's desire to be accepted? I don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I am too old to deal with that type of obnoxiousness, and frankly, anybody over the age of sixteen who still participates in that type of tomfoolery should have their head examined. Unless someone is downright mean and obnoxious to you, there should be no reason to gang up on them like you're a foot soldier in the Gangster Disciples.

The first day at my new job was pretty okay. There was no formal training, no policy and procedures manual to follow, no mentor, no nothin'. On my very first day, a virgin to the world of small office shenanigans, Frick was enjoying some time away from work, and it was up to Frack to show me the ropes. Frack seemed friendly enough, though in a quiet, shy way. I guess some folks just don't have much to say, and that's cool. The day proceeded without incident, some training and some small talk. Interestingly, Frack attended the same school I did, and, as a matter of fact, we had a class together, though it took us a moment to put it together. At first I thought, "well, heck, this is going to be cool!" And maybe it would have been if Frick wouldn't have been such an insecure piece of work.

The following day I met Frick. There was really nothing unusual about her, but she didn't really seem all that friendly. I chalked it up to being in a bad mood, you know, returning to work and all after having a three day weekend. But as time passed, I began to sense that she just did not like me, for whatever reason. Now, many of you who know me, can attest to the fact that I get along with pretty much anyone from any type of background, be it socio-economic, ethnic, political, or the like. I forget that frequently, and sadly, a majority of people aren't really like that. The other curious thing I learned about people from working at CB&L is that Sox fans don't merely dislike the Cubs, they'd like to see them eliminated from the face of the Earth. I'm neither a Sox nor a Cubs fan, so I can't really tell you where I fall on the "hate-o-meter" scale with Sox fans. I can also tell you that I don't really care.

The other thing I learned is that people outside of the North Shore believe that all of us living on the North Shore are gazillionaires and snobs. Well, let's clear that up right now. If I were truly a "gazillionaire" I sure as hell wouldn't work as a paralegal, and number two, if you think I'm a snob, it's because you haven't bothered to get to know me.

Here's a few things that happened to me while visiting Dante's "ring of hell" known as Clueless Boozer & Liar. If I did not offer the first hello of the day, it was rare that the either two would offer it to me. I actually tested this theory on one occasion. And it's not like you could miss me. The entire office was the size of a three bedroom apartment and all of us sat by the FRONT door. There was another curious thing I began to notice; the offering of a "bless you" after a person sneezes. Most people, out of habit, always say "bless you," or something similar upon hearing another person sneeze. Whenever I heard either Frick or Frack sneeze, I offered my usual "bless you." However, neither Frick nor Frack would extend the same courtesy to me! Now, imagine if I died because no one bothered to say a prayer for my poor heart, skipping a beat to my sneeze! Of course, both Frick and Frack would offer the requisite blessing to each other, but never to me. When both of them were present, that is. If Frick was absent from work, Frack seemed more amenable to offering it up. But if Frick was there, look out: Frack had to show her loyalty to the gal with the most seniority (and the gal that had control over when and if your checks for the complaint fees were cut in a timely manner!) All I have to say to Frack is "Get some balls, girl. Frick will screw you over if it suits her agenda! Duh!" Don't believe me? Talk to my predecessor.

Doesn't the office scenario sound like a dream? You know, I used to read about this crap in Glamour and Cosmo, but seriously, it really exists? That is a pathetic statement on our society and our adhesiveness as a gender!

Be All That You Can Be. And It May Not Involve Being a Paralegal.

Well, here it is, over a year later, and boy do I have some stories to tell! I've since changed the name from Pari Passu, to, more appropriately, "The Jaded Paralegal." What do you think?

For all intents and purposes, the legal industry has crashed and burned like one of the Wright brother's first flying contraptions. I highly doubt this industry will rise like the Phoenix, and if it does, it will be in a different form. Charging $1000 per hour for some attorney's "illuminating advice," well, those days are coming to screeching halt. Like every other industry, customers/clients want value, and they don't want the greedy pens of attorneys padding the bill.

I had a few good experiences, where I learned a great deal, and made some really great friends! To those of you with whom I worked (prior to my last hellish nightmare), you are the best! And for those of you who are my classmates from the big "L", let me know how your career paths are treating you. But, now onto the gory details of my last gig. Let this serve as a warning to those of you still searching for that perfect position. (Such an oxymoron in the legal field; "perfect position.")

Those of you who know me, you know that I prefer commercial litigation, and that I have an aversion to what many of us call "ambulance chasers". As a matter of fact, at my interviews with the temp agencies, I was specific about avoiding those types of firms. But like most optimistic newly minted paralegals, I don't wish to be too judgmental regarding attorneys, and with the legal field faltering like an old grandma whose hip replacement surgery did not fare so well, when one teeny-tiny firm found my resume through my alma mater, I didn't refuse an interview.

At this same moment in the time/space continuum, I was interviewing with a prominent, national law firm which had just opened an office in Chicago. But, back to the ambulance chasers; Clueless Boozer & Liar. I had my first interview with them on the same day I had my interview with the world class firm. I have to tell you, I really like both of them, interviewer wise. The two paralegals at the Big Firm were really cool. The only draw back to the position was that it was temp-to-perm, and as we all know, in this economy, things change rapidly. At Clueless Boozer & Liar, I interviewed with Mr. Liar. The job was permanent and full-time; a new graduate's dream!

I have to say that Mr. Liar seemed like a really funny, gregarious and well, dare I say it? Nice guy! I thought to myself, "Okay, despite the fact that he is an attorney who is considered to be among the dregs of attorney-dom, I shouldn't be so judgmental!" WRONG! Always be judgmental when it comes to selecting your career. One of the first things that should tip you off is check out the office staff. In this case, there were only two "legal assistants" and neither of them seemed all that friendly or happy. That's your first clue.

Secondly, if the firm is hiring you to replace another legal assistant/paralegal, it's not enough to ask "why" he/she left, you need to get specifics! For example, I was told that my predecessor left because she had this "wonderful opportunity," and Mr. Liar didn't "blame her for taking it." Sounds good, right? Well, later I found out that my predecessor just quit one day (after working for this firm for several years). When I confronted Mr. Liar about this revelation, he, true to form, lied again. Let it be known that after I left this joke of a firm, I contacted my predecessor, and as I suspected, she left for the same reasons I did. Workplace bullying and abuse. Technically, I guess she did find her "wonderful opportunity:" Escaping Clueless Boozer & Liar with her sanity still intact.

Here is the other thing that I learned about small law firms: never choose a firm that has an odd number of women working for it, especially as legal assistants/secretaries/witches. As a mature woman, I thought I was fairly immune to the childish, high school type antics that the unsophisticated perpetrate upon unsuspecting nice kids like me. Well, sadly, I was wrong. Chances are, you are going to become their little toy and sabotaging your work will be the highlight of their pitiful little lives. Teamwork amongst those types? Nonexistent. Unless of course, their teamwork involves scheming to find ways to make you look bad.

The hierarchy of this firm was as such:

Partner One/Mr. Clueless:

Mr. Clueless was a decent enough person. Smart as hell, and had posted on his website that he believed his employees should be treated well. This, of course, was one of the reasons I turned down the offer at the Big Firm. Maybe Mr. Clueless really believes this, but he sure didn't act like it. The original name of the firm was "Clueless & Associates." Later, for some inexplicable reason, he allowed one of his first associates, Mr. Liar to become a partner. For the record, I think Mr. Liar is one of the lousiest attorneys on the planet. If it weren't for Mr. Clueless and Mr. Boozer, he wouldn't be able to argue his way out of a paper bag. I constantly had to hear him ask all of the attorneys "What do you think about this, huh? This sounds good, right?" I would think to myself, "Oh, for God's sakes! Figure it out yourself you 'C' student lackey!"

(Oh, and Mr. Liar absolutely hates his clients! I really shouldn't reprint some of the profane terms he used as their little "sobriquets.")

When I finally informed Mr. Clueless about what I witnessed and experienced, do you want to know what his response was towards me? Nothing. Now, personally, if one of my "valued" employees pointed out to me the shortcomings of my firm, I would want to know all about it. That is, unless you are, well, "clueless."

Partner Two/Mr. Boozer:

Mr. Boozer, whom I really did find to be the nicest of the three, was "knighted" to partner at some point in his tour of duty at "Clueless & Associates". I would say Mr. Boozer's only vice was showing up to appointments and depositions incredibly late. We often speculated that he may have been hitting the local loop bars for a "nip" to numb his fear, or dull his sense of knowing he was entirely too smart to have hooked up with the likes of Mr. Liar. My advice to Mr. Boozer is to get a backbone and tell Mr. Liar that his actions are offensive and a poor reflection upon the firm. However, what will most likely transpire is Mr. Boozer will continue to frequent places such as the Sidebar in an effort to drown out his sense of shame. Mr. Boozer, I raise my Salty Dog to you!

The Lone Associate/Mr. Selling Himself Short:

Then there was the fresh-faced, though brilliant Associate, I'll call "Mr. Selling Himself Short." This kid was alway nice to me, though he did happen to throw me under the bus, most likely in an attempt to keep Mr. Liar and his infamous tendency to blame all his mistakes on others, at bay, or in the hopes of advancing to partner one day. That is something he will have to live with for the rest of his life. Personally, I would like to see Mr. Selling Short to move into commercial litigation and/or insurance defense. He's too good to be an ambulance chaser! Not to mention the fact that when this firm does eventually get hit with a malpractice suit, Mr. Short's prospects will be dimmer than a 7-watt nightlight bulb.

The Super Cool Law Clerk/Grace:

We did have a law clerk who was in between her second and third year of law school. I'll call her "Grace." If it wasn't for her, I probably would have blown up the entire firm of CB&L by the month of August. Unfortunately, I watched her be blamed for something that was not her fault, and I made it a point to let her know it wasn't her fault. And, as an added bonus, I told her that if she ever wanted to view something worse that what she received, feel free to watch me be humiliated, blamed and screamed at on a regular basis. The fun never ended there.

Well, that's about it for now. Later, I will describe the other two not-so-lovely ladies in the office that, not only had the audacity to talk about me behind my back and sabotage my work, but actually submitted wedding and shower invitations to me for the sole purpose of receiving gifts. Now, that's classy! (And yes, idiot that I am, I did purchase shower gifts, though I did skip the showers because I sensed I wasn't truly wanted there after all.) I think I shall name them "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." What do you think? There's also "Frick" and "Frack." Vote for your favorite.

Later, too, I will discuss the "things I never knew I didn't want to know," and the "things I never knew I didn't want to see." You'll love it, guaranteed!

Oh, and Mr. Liar deserves his own entry. The things he did to me were incredibly offensive, egregious and amoral, not befitting of an attorney whatsoever. I will go into great detail about how he screwed up just about everything he touched. It will blow your mind, and may make you think twice about entering into this profession. And for those of you who are still being tormented as a professional, you may want to use this board to vent and realize you're not alone!