Leaving the Legal Profession

Short, sweet and snappy: Best thing I ever did. Let me tell you this much; litigation attorneys (especially plaintiff personal injury attorneys) are, as Beck recorded "Soul Sucking Jerks." End of story.

And if you are a litigation attorney reading this; get over yourself. The law students who make honors, are now professors. Those who make secondary honors, are judges. Those of you who are the C student lackeys are either working in some miserable firm, or you're unscrupulous and lie to tribunals and in the face of disciplinary committees. And if you don't do either of those, I can guarantee you've thrown a fellow employee under the bus to further your careers.

And to the paralegals out there dealing with these unethical bastards. Document, document, document. Then turn them over to the appropriate committee. Quit worrying about your precious bonuses. Karma will ALWAYS take that bonus away from you for your complicit behavior.

Though I still love the law, I detest the losers who violate its intent to protect their lying, cheating, maniacal ways! And quit telling me you're standing up for the little guy...you're in it for the money, period. The turds in my catbox have a higher standard than you.

The Witches of Dearborn (The Story of Frick and Frack)

Admittedly, office politics are an enigma to me.

Another great mystery is why the correct number of female office personnel is crucial to a harmonious balance. And let me tell you; the number three might be great in terms of the Holy Trinity, but it's awful when it comes to tranquility in the workplace. Is it the triangulation of our menses that throws it all out of whack? Is it one female's insecurity that feeds off another female's desire to be accepted? I don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I am too old to deal with that type of obnoxiousness, and frankly, anybody over the age of sixteen who still participates in that type of tomfoolery should have their head examined. Unless someone is downright mean and obnoxious to you, there should be no reason to gang up on them like you're a foot soldier in the Gangster Disciples.

The first day at my new job was pretty okay. There was no formal training, no policy and procedures manual to follow, no mentor, no nothin'. On my very first day, a virgin to the world of small office shenanigans, Frick was enjoying some time away from work, and it was up to Frack to show me the ropes. Frack seemed friendly enough, though in a quiet, shy way. I guess some folks just don't have much to say, and that's cool. The day proceeded without incident, some training and some small talk. Interestingly, Frack attended the same school I did, and, as a matter of fact, we had a class together, though it took us a moment to put it together. At first I thought, "well, heck, this is going to be cool!" And maybe it would have been if Frick wouldn't have been such an insecure piece of work.

The following day I met Frick. There was really nothing unusual about her, but she didn't really seem all that friendly. I chalked it up to being in a bad mood, you know, returning to work and all after having a three day weekend. But as time passed, I began to sense that she just did not like me, for whatever reason. Now, many of you who know me, can attest to the fact that I get along with pretty much anyone from any type of background, be it socio-economic, ethnic, political, or the like. I forget that frequently, and sadly, a majority of people aren't really like that. The other curious thing I learned about people from working at CB&L is that Sox fans don't merely dislike the Cubs, they'd like to see them eliminated from the face of the Earth. I'm neither a Sox nor a Cubs fan, so I can't really tell you where I fall on the "hate-o-meter" scale with Sox fans. I can also tell you that I don't really care.

The other thing I learned is that people outside of the North Shore believe that all of us living on the North Shore are gazillionaires and snobs. Well, let's clear that up right now. If I were truly a "gazillionaire" I sure as hell wouldn't work as a paralegal, and number two, if you think I'm a snob, it's because you haven't bothered to get to know me.

Here's a few things that happened to me while visiting Dante's "ring of hell" known as Clueless Boozer & Liar. If I did not offer the first hello of the day, it was rare that the either two would offer it to me. I actually tested this theory on one occasion. And it's not like you could miss me. The entire office was the size of a three bedroom apartment and all of us sat by the FRONT door. There was another curious thing I began to notice; the offering of a "bless you" after a person sneezes. Most people, out of habit, always say "bless you," or something similar upon hearing another person sneeze. Whenever I heard either Frick or Frack sneeze, I offered my usual "bless you." However, neither Frick nor Frack would extend the same courtesy to me! Now, imagine if I died because no one bothered to say a prayer for my poor heart, skipping a beat to my sneeze! Of course, both Frick and Frack would offer the requisite blessing to each other, but never to me. When both of them were present, that is. If Frick was absent from work, Frack seemed more amenable to offering it up. But if Frick was there, look out: Frack had to show her loyalty to the gal with the most seniority (and the gal that had control over when and if your checks for the complaint fees were cut in a timely manner!) All I have to say to Frack is "Get some balls, girl. Frick will screw you over if it suits her agenda! Duh!" Don't believe me? Talk to my predecessor.

Doesn't the office scenario sound like a dream? You know, I used to read about this crap in Glamour and Cosmo, but seriously, it really exists? That is a pathetic statement on our society and our adhesiveness as a gender!

Be All That You Can Be. And It May Not Involve Being a Paralegal.

Well, here it is, over a year later, and boy do I have some stories to tell! I've since changed the name from Pari Passu, to, more appropriately, "The Jaded Paralegal." What do you think?

For all intents and purposes, the legal industry has crashed and burned like one of the Wright brother's first flying contraptions. I highly doubt this industry will rise like the Phoenix, and if it does, it will be in a different form. Charging $1000 per hour for some attorney's "illuminating advice," well, those days are coming to screeching halt. Like every other industry, customers/clients want value, and they don't want the greedy pens of attorneys padding the bill.

I had a few good experiences, where I learned a great deal, and made some really great friends! To those of you with whom I worked (prior to my last hellish nightmare), you are the best! And for those of you who are my classmates from the big "L", let me know how your career paths are treating you. But, now onto the gory details of my last gig. Let this serve as a warning to those of you still searching for that perfect position. (Such an oxymoron in the legal field; "perfect position.")

Those of you who know me, you know that I prefer commercial litigation, and that I have an aversion to what many of us call "ambulance chasers". As a matter of fact, at my interviews with the temp agencies, I was specific about avoiding those types of firms. But like most optimistic newly minted paralegals, I don't wish to be too judgmental regarding attorneys, and with the legal field faltering like an old grandma whose hip replacement surgery did not fare so well, when one teeny-tiny firm found my resume through my alma mater, I didn't refuse an interview.

At this same moment in the time/space continuum, I was interviewing with a prominent, national law firm which had just opened an office in Chicago. But, back to the ambulance chasers; Clueless Boozer & Liar. I had my first interview with them on the same day I had my interview with the world class firm. I have to tell you, I really like both of them, interviewer wise. The two paralegals at the Big Firm were really cool. The only draw back to the position was that it was temp-to-perm, and as we all know, in this economy, things change rapidly. At Clueless Boozer & Liar, I interviewed with Mr. Liar. The job was permanent and full-time; a new graduate's dream!

I have to say that Mr. Liar seemed like a really funny, gregarious and well, dare I say it? Nice guy! I thought to myself, "Okay, despite the fact that he is an attorney who is considered to be among the dregs of attorney-dom, I shouldn't be so judgmental!" WRONG! Always be judgmental when it comes to selecting your career. One of the first things that should tip you off is check out the office staff. In this case, there were only two "legal assistants" and neither of them seemed all that friendly or happy. That's your first clue.

Secondly, if the firm is hiring you to replace another legal assistant/paralegal, it's not enough to ask "why" he/she left, you need to get specifics! For example, I was told that my predecessor left because she had this "wonderful opportunity," and Mr. Liar didn't "blame her for taking it." Sounds good, right? Well, later I found out that my predecessor just quit one day (after working for this firm for several years). When I confronted Mr. Liar about this revelation, he, true to form, lied again. Let it be known that after I left this joke of a firm, I contacted my predecessor, and as I suspected, she left for the same reasons I did. Workplace bullying and abuse. Technically, I guess she did find her "wonderful opportunity:" Escaping Clueless Boozer & Liar with her sanity still intact.

Here is the other thing that I learned about small law firms: never choose a firm that has an odd number of women working for it, especially as legal assistants/secretaries/witches. As a mature woman, I thought I was fairly immune to the childish, high school type antics that the unsophisticated perpetrate upon unsuspecting nice kids like me. Well, sadly, I was wrong. Chances are, you are going to become their little toy and sabotaging your work will be the highlight of their pitiful little lives. Teamwork amongst those types? Nonexistent. Unless of course, their teamwork involves scheming to find ways to make you look bad.

The hierarchy of this firm was as such:

Partner One/Mr. Clueless:

Mr. Clueless was a decent enough person. Smart as hell, and had posted on his website that he believed his employees should be treated well. This, of course, was one of the reasons I turned down the offer at the Big Firm. Maybe Mr. Clueless really believes this, but he sure didn't act like it. The original name of the firm was "Clueless & Associates." Later, for some inexplicable reason, he allowed one of his first associates, Mr. Liar to become a partner. For the record, I think Mr. Liar is one of the lousiest attorneys on the planet. If it weren't for Mr. Clueless and Mr. Boozer, he wouldn't be able to argue his way out of a paper bag. I constantly had to hear him ask all of the attorneys "What do you think about this, huh? This sounds good, right?" I would think to myself, "Oh, for God's sakes! Figure it out yourself you 'C' student lackey!"

(Oh, and Mr. Liar absolutely hates his clients! I really shouldn't reprint some of the profane terms he used as their little "sobriquets.")

When I finally informed Mr. Clueless about what I witnessed and experienced, do you want to know what his response was towards me? Nothing. Now, personally, if one of my "valued" employees pointed out to me the shortcomings of my firm, I would want to know all about it. That is, unless you are, well, "clueless."

Partner Two/Mr. Boozer:

Mr. Boozer, whom I really did find to be the nicest of the three, was "knighted" to partner at some point in his tour of duty at "Clueless & Associates". I would say Mr. Boozer's only vice was showing up to appointments and depositions incredibly late. We often speculated that he may have been hitting the local loop bars for a "nip" to numb his fear, or dull his sense of knowing he was entirely too smart to have hooked up with the likes of Mr. Liar. My advice to Mr. Boozer is to get a backbone and tell Mr. Liar that his actions are offensive and a poor reflection upon the firm. However, what will most likely transpire is Mr. Boozer will continue to frequent places such as the Sidebar in an effort to drown out his sense of shame. Mr. Boozer, I raise my Salty Dog to you!

The Lone Associate/Mr. Selling Himself Short:

Then there was the fresh-faced, though brilliant Associate, I'll call "Mr. Selling Himself Short." This kid was alway nice to me, though he did happen to throw me under the bus, most likely in an attempt to keep Mr. Liar and his infamous tendency to blame all his mistakes on others, at bay, or in the hopes of advancing to partner one day. That is something he will have to live with for the rest of his life. Personally, I would like to see Mr. Selling Short to move into commercial litigation and/or insurance defense. He's too good to be an ambulance chaser! Not to mention the fact that when this firm does eventually get hit with a malpractice suit, Mr. Short's prospects will be dimmer than a 7-watt nightlight bulb.

The Super Cool Law Clerk/Grace:

We did have a law clerk who was in between her second and third year of law school. I'll call her "Grace." If it wasn't for her, I probably would have blown up the entire firm of CB&L by the month of August. Unfortunately, I watched her be blamed for something that was not her fault, and I made it a point to let her know it wasn't her fault. And, as an added bonus, I told her that if she ever wanted to view something worse that what she received, feel free to watch me be humiliated, blamed and screamed at on a regular basis. The fun never ended there.

Well, that's about it for now. Later, I will describe the other two not-so-lovely ladies in the office that, not only had the audacity to talk about me behind my back and sabotage my work, but actually submitted wedding and shower invitations to me for the sole purpose of receiving gifts. Now, that's classy! (And yes, idiot that I am, I did purchase shower gifts, though I did skip the showers because I sensed I wasn't truly wanted there after all.) I think I shall name them "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." What do you think? There's also "Frick" and "Frack." Vote for your favorite.

Later, too, I will discuss the "things I never knew I didn't want to know," and the "things I never knew I didn't want to see." You'll love it, guaranteed!

Oh, and Mr. Liar deserves his own entry. The things he did to me were incredibly offensive, egregious and amoral, not befitting of an attorney whatsoever. I will go into great detail about how he screwed up just about everything he touched. It will blow your mind, and may make you think twice about entering into this profession. And for those of you who are still being tormented as a professional, you may want to use this board to vent and realize you're not alone!