The Witches of Dearborn (The Story of Frick and Frack)

Admittedly, office politics are an enigma to me.

Another great mystery is why the correct number of female office personnel is crucial to a harmonious balance. And let me tell you; the number three might be great in terms of the Holy Trinity, but it's awful when it comes to tranquility in the workplace. Is it the triangulation of our menses that throws it all out of whack? Is it one female's insecurity that feeds off another female's desire to be accepted? I don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I am too old to deal with that type of obnoxiousness, and frankly, anybody over the age of sixteen who still participates in that type of tomfoolery should have their head examined. Unless someone is downright mean and obnoxious to you, there should be no reason to gang up on them like you're a foot soldier in the Gangster Disciples.

The first day at my new job was pretty okay. There was no formal training, no policy and procedures manual to follow, no mentor, no nothin'. On my very first day, a virgin to the world of small office shenanigans, Frick was enjoying some time away from work, and it was up to Frack to show me the ropes. Frack seemed friendly enough, though in a quiet, shy way. I guess some folks just don't have much to say, and that's cool. The day proceeded without incident, some training and some small talk. Interestingly, Frack attended the same school I did, and, as a matter of fact, we had a class together, though it took us a moment to put it together. At first I thought, "well, heck, this is going to be cool!" And maybe it would have been if Frick wouldn't have been such an insecure piece of work.

The following day I met Frick. There was really nothing unusual about her, but she didn't really seem all that friendly. I chalked it up to being in a bad mood, you know, returning to work and all after having a three day weekend. But as time passed, I began to sense that she just did not like me, for whatever reason. Now, many of you who know me, can attest to the fact that I get along with pretty much anyone from any type of background, be it socio-economic, ethnic, political, or the like. I forget that frequently, and sadly, a majority of people aren't really like that. The other curious thing I learned about people from working at CB&L is that Sox fans don't merely dislike the Cubs, they'd like to see them eliminated from the face of the Earth. I'm neither a Sox nor a Cubs fan, so I can't really tell you where I fall on the "hate-o-meter" scale with Sox fans. I can also tell you that I don't really care.

The other thing I learned is that people outside of the North Shore believe that all of us living on the North Shore are gazillionaires and snobs. Well, let's clear that up right now. If I were truly a "gazillionaire" I sure as hell wouldn't work as a paralegal, and number two, if you think I'm a snob, it's because you haven't bothered to get to know me.

Here's a few things that happened to me while visiting Dante's "ring of hell" known as Clueless Boozer & Liar. If I did not offer the first hello of the day, it was rare that the either two would offer it to me. I actually tested this theory on one occasion. And it's not like you could miss me. The entire office was the size of a three bedroom apartment and all of us sat by the FRONT door. There was another curious thing I began to notice; the offering of a "bless you" after a person sneezes. Most people, out of habit, always say "bless you," or something similar upon hearing another person sneeze. Whenever I heard either Frick or Frack sneeze, I offered my usual "bless you." However, neither Frick nor Frack would extend the same courtesy to me! Now, imagine if I died because no one bothered to say a prayer for my poor heart, skipping a beat to my sneeze! Of course, both Frick and Frack would offer the requisite blessing to each other, but never to me. When both of them were present, that is. If Frick was absent from work, Frack seemed more amenable to offering it up. But if Frick was there, look out: Frack had to show her loyalty to the gal with the most seniority (and the gal that had control over when and if your checks for the complaint fees were cut in a timely manner!) All I have to say to Frack is "Get some balls, girl. Frick will screw you over if it suits her agenda! Duh!" Don't believe me? Talk to my predecessor.

Doesn't the office scenario sound like a dream? You know, I used to read about this crap in Glamour and Cosmo, but seriously, it really exists? That is a pathetic statement on our society and our adhesiveness as a gender!